The ugly

Know where I am writing this post from? My bed. Know what time it is? Exactly 2:04pm. Know why? Because I am not ready to face the world as a divorced 41 year old woman.

Last week I was lucky enough to not have to see anyone I knew after court other than Tyson and Hopper. I dropped them both off at day care on Wednesday and hopped on a plane and went out of sight before anyone could see me. I got to be someone else for a few days and I got to do it alone. I didn’t have people staring at me with big, sad, pitiful puppy dog eyes telling me that it will be ok. Telling me that it just wasn’t meant to be and that I deserve better. I got to pretend that I was just out of town for business and that when I returned home, it would all be ok. It was not ok. I am not ok.

Last night after several delays on both flight legs, which also delayed my reality, I arrived in Columbus at 11:30pm. No one was there to meet me at baggage claim, running to jump in my arms to tell me how much I was missed. No one to grab my bags for me because I looked emotionally and physically wiped out. Not. One. Person. That’s my new reality and frankly, it sucks. But, I will do what I have been asked to do and move forward, as slowly as those steps may be, I will keep moving. But please don’t say it will be ok, it’s not ok, I’m not ok.

I’m taking this day by day, actually it’s closer to minute by minute. I am getting out of bed and I will face the world with whatever face I can muster up. Today I will have to face the one who makes this so damn hard. But I will do it because I have to. I will do it because I will not have to do it alone, although at times it may feel that way. But it’s ok. I WILL be ok.

 

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