One of the hardest things about separation and divorce has been splitting time with my 9 year old son, Tyson. Thankfully he has taken most of the last 10 months in stride, spending time with both his father and me, asking the occasional curious questions you would expect from an inquisitive little mind like his. But, as the mama bear that I am, I worry about his adapting to the new routine, our new normal that doesn’t always feel normal. I know once he is a few years older the questions will become increasingly difficult and he will have follow ups and his own thoughts. But, for now, I just try to enjoy the precious, quality moments I have with him, never knowing what tomorrow will hold.
I hope that he always knows how much his dad and I love him and that this had nothing to do with him. I also hope that he learns from the decisions we made and he chooses to do things the right way, loving someone unconditionally, without judgement or resentment. I hope he understands that he is my whole world and that I will do anything for him, his dad will do the same. I always worry that I have just altered the entire rest of his life because I wasn’t able to make a loving, faithful, mutual relationship work with his dad. I don’t want him to resent either one, or both, of us for ending our time as a family unit. I only hope I can guide him the best way I know how and thank my lucky stars for a supportive family and friends.
So tonight, as he prepares to head to his dad’s for a few nights starting tomorrow, we played Nerf wars while listening to Frank Sinatra croon ever so smoothly out of our Amazon Dot. Instead of worrying about his future, and mine for that matter, I will put those nagging thoughts away, load my blue and orange foam projectiles and aim for my child’s head with love in my eyes and a burning fire in my heart. It might not be what most mommy and son dates would look like, but “we did it our way!” Just like we always do and always will.