Do you know what today is?

I have had that song in my head all day, “Anniversary” by Tony Toni Tone.

Yesterday, I celebrated one year with my new, state of the art, titanium knee. You have heard the story about that already, but I will say again, I FEEL AMAZING! I never thought I would be able to walk pain free again, but here I am feeling better than ever.

But, as the sun went down on that remarkable day, I entered into another anniversary on 10/6, but I won’t be celebrating. Today is my 10th wedding anniversary, but instead of spending it with my husband at a nice restaurant drinking wine and eating delicious food, I am spending it alone. It feels appropriate that the traditional gift for a 10-year marriage is made of tin or aluminum, (some might say my titanium knee fits the category). The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz was looking for his heart, as I am still searching for the remnants of mine.

I had a conversation with a friend last weekend and we talked about this upcoming day and how I was going to spend it. I blocked this weekend off in my mental calendar many months ago, knowing that my emotions would be unpredictable and it would be better to approach my activities as they come and not commit to anything. I took a personal day from work to do whatever it is I am moved to do. That could include a few tears, some screaming, most likely some Netflix binging, but mostly I’m using the day to relax, remember, read, and recharge.

Facebook has its endearing way of reminding you that you have birthday or special event coming up, and they didn’t disappoint the last two days. Yesterday’s photo was one of the best photos of my husband and I together, I had to stop and smile because we both look happy. Happy being together, enjoying our marriage and the successes that we have experienced. Just. Happy. It is hard to imagine that this picture now represents something and someone who is in my past. I am still happy, but in a much different way and for much different reasons. I still look back fondly on the last 10 years, well, maybe minus the last year, but the next week or so has a few more “anniversaries” that I’m just not ready to remember.

I have to find new things, exciting reasons to remember these days. Today’s Facebook reminder was a photo of my father and I dancing at my wedding. I will remember this day as one that my father lived his life for, he wanted to make it to the day that he walked me down the aisle and gave me away to the man he trusted to take care of me and my son for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that promise has been broken, but I will never forget being able to share this day with him as a distraction from the cancer he was fighting. It was a beautiful moment for our entire family, one that I will use as my reason to continue commemorating October 6, 2007.

Me and Pat

 

Dad wedding

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